I am Alcoholic

Hi All, I have been suffering from alcoholics for 10 years. Over the past 3 years, I seek help from professional and therapists. It worked

My therapists worked on childhood trauma and family stuff. The more we dig into it, the more I found out myself more. I didn’t love myself, from the inside out. I judge myself, blame myself.

These years, I have release a lot of anger, sorrow from hypnosis. Though I have I have improved a lot, still I cannot stay clean.

Except talking to therapist, I talk to myself a lot and analyses myself. Why did to that? What is the pattern.

And finally, I hit the ultimate one. I hope really the last one.

Generally, I am a positive, rational, tough woman. I am responsible, hardworking. People like my bright personality.

But I have problem of self worth, and about accepting the other side of me, which is gentle, soft, weak, vulnerable.

I cover up this part so well. Every time I get drunk, I show my weak sides to others, and every time I wake up, I hate myself so much of showing this.

Why do I hate this side? Coz I am afraid of being rejected. So afraid. My vulnerability cannot take it. My gentleness feels hurt. I am strong, how can I break down?

I am so glad I reach to this point, I realise this shit

Now I talk to myself, if someone reject me, it means doesn’t match, my gentleness, softness are guilty! Nothing wrong with them.

I embrace he other side of me and show it. I can be tough and soft, strong andi weak. It’s a balance like yin and yang. I go too extreme to my Yang side. I am proud my Yang side. I am so addicted to present this side.

And I never forgive my mistakes, I blame myself, judge myself. I hate myself.

I learn to accept, alcoholism is a disease, I accept I am addicted. I accept it might take more than a day to kill this disease.

I accept I can make mistakes and no big deal. I am not obsessed with the “strong and perfect” image. I don’t go extreme, I go for balance

I accept I might hurt someone. I forgive myself, learn from mistakes, start to be gentle and kind to people

My gentleness starts to flow from my inside. I can feel it.

Back then, I put self-worth equal to being approved and being loved

Now I realise, my self-worth have nothing to do with others or my achievement. It about appreciate myself.

What am I appreciate?

I am kind, loyal, hardworking, happy, positive, artistic, helpful

So, what did I find out?

1. Self-worth has nothing to do with other
2. I embrace my vulnerable side and show it to people
3. I accept I make mistake and learn from mistake


About love and self love

In my mind, I always tell myself, without completing my goals, I can’t love. Coz I have so much to do and no time for partner. Love DRAGS me

Wtf, this is the funniest thing I have ever heard. Love drags? If it is true love, I will not drag, it boosts. how come I have this shitty thing in my mind?

Thank God, I noticed it finally. I am going to say goodbye to those casual relationships in past five years. I want love and be loved. REAL love. I am going to love again. I wanna commit a new relationship. I am longing for meeting a soulmate, to share ups and downs in life, to grow together

Finally, I wanna thank all my therapists, all people who help me on this journey, and the most important one, myself.


And I thank Alcoholism.

Without you, I didn’t realise I was grumpy, I will never be spiritual, I will never be soft and gentle, I will never gain confident, I will never forgive myself.

I suddenly realise, Alcoholism is my life lesson. It hurts me for sure, but it helps me to be a better person if I go through it

I hope people who suffer from addiction will find their paths. I give all my bless to all of them and to therapists.

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